O my soul

I enjoy the influence that a song can have in my life. I feel like God has given me songs during some of the craziest times in my life...

I vividly remember listenning to THIS song during the divorce, mom -insanity-, other madness when I was 16.
And later, when I was in college, dating Mateo, having amazing girl friends and a much warmer life than what I had come from living at home with my mom those last few years, I rememeber THIS song revealing the promise that God's will was at work along that very broken road.
And THIS song will forever make me think of missing my Meegie while I was in Cali! Ha.

Every since the 20 week sonogram, a slew of fears/thoughts have been in my mind. One kidney. Will it work on the outside? Two birth defects, does that mean something more? Pumping/hard bottles - can I do it? Will the extra time Ben takes affect Z and A negatively? Will I still get to enjoy the stages of life Z and A are in or will I entirely miss them? If there is something more, will that mark their lives forever? ... I can't not think these things. Matt, he can easily not think these things - eternal optimist, although Hala helped me realize that I defintely carry the weight of Ben (literally and metaphorically) much different than Matt does. And all those dumb doctor appointments don't help. It is easy to forget all of that when I'm only surrounded by Hope (again, literally and metaphorically) but much harder when Dr. Whatshisface is naming off things not "normal" (stomach not filling, possible tracheoesophageal fistula, too much fluid, too little fluid, transverse, ECV). And so, since October I feel like God has continuely used THIS song to encourage me. A few parts especially - the "sing like never before" - as I felt like this could be something that would cause me to doubt the sovereignity of God - especially if there was something more perhaps more than any other thing I've experienced in my young life. "Let me singing when the evening comes..." - since I felt like at ANY time some Dr could basically tell me anything. The feeling of sonographers doing sonos and not telling you what they obviously know is very frustrating. Like, they have information about your body that you aren't privvy to. And finally, part of the song quotes Psalm 145:8-9 which I feel like almost completely sums up my view of God/theology.  The Lord is kind. He is good. And He has compassion on all that he has made. Even Ben. Even me.

Me and Ben at just shy of 37 weeks!

In other news we had the best sonogram ever on Monday. First, I had a -woman- PTL! Second, Dr. Man told me that my fluid is down to 19 insert some unmentioned unit (high is considered 20 and up...) and Ben finally, for the LOVE, put his head down! He has been transverse for the past few weeks and we were pretty sure he was stuck! So I was going to have to get an ECV which I was -not- looking forward to. But I went to the chiro and she worked some sort of magic and then he turned headdown. Or God is really good and had sweet mercy on my cant. take. one. more. thing. in. this. pregnancy. self. (I'm pretty sure it is this one). OR Ana successfully jumped on his head enough (she bounces on stomach basically every chance she gets) that it wedged him down there. Having a baby be headdown makes this pregnancy feel a lot more normal - you feel a baby's movements a lot differently if they are sideways as opposed to vertical. (which I never knew!)

And, as of today we have 18 days until launch. Probably. We scheduled an induction at 39.5 weeks to help us have people there when he is born - rather than it being 2am on a Saturday night. And to minimize stress involved with first feedings. It is most likely going to happen that way - but something else could always happen too. I don't claim to know too much. Especially regarding this boy who is so full of surprises.