April and 37 weeks

It is interesting to note how one girl can fall off the blogging band wagon so hard. After I finished school I went into "I'm actually going to have a baby and should get ready for him" mode. That means things like sew name banners

and start and finish baby quilts for big sisters to break in

and get our room ready for baby by moving furniture and going through tons of clothes and looking for all the stored newborn things. I think that I we are officially ready for baby now. The house is clean "enough" and organized "enough" to make me not feel too crazy were we to come back to it with a newborn. 

Some sweet friends had a sweet, small party for me to help celebrate Jack. I pretty much cleaned out Austin's diaper supply

It was so strange to be at a gathering of my friends and realize that Christine, Meagan and Natalie were just... not there. In fact right after I realized that I realized there was absolutely no overlap between zoe/ana showers and the night for the Jack. (Especially since there was no family there) 6 years can change a lot of things... including social bubbles I guess. I felt very, very loved. And really taken care of. Because while I realized the absence of those sweet girls of mine - the room was also full of other friendships that have formed in their place. Not the same by any means but still lovely. Speaking of lovely...

This girl and I have been having some sweet times lately. Oh how I am praying for her heart to endure life with another cleft brother. So many "wait Ana's" and "not right now Ana's" and "I have to go pump Ana's"... it really does cause me physical pain to think about her little life when Ben was born. No wonder she screamed so much - how was she going to get any attention as a wee TWO year old with a high needs brother. She was younger than our Benny is now when Ben was born. Absolutely nuts to think about. 

Telling secrets

Cuddle quality time

This time around she has Ben to keep her company though. I love the way they play together. They have about 1.5 solid hours after Z goes to school to interact solo before Ben's nap and they always want to be with the other. Ben will chase after her and say "Aga... room?" and point at the girls bedroom which is where 90% of the toys are and about 100% of the fun happens. I don't even know what they do in there - wrestle on the bed, listen to cd books and music, play with toys. There are definitely times Ben drives her nuts - but really for the most part they play well together. Though if Zoe is home, Ana mostly wants to play with her. And Zoe can't be left out of any sort of anything so if Ben and Ana were to engage in something together when Z was around, it wouldn't be long before Z were involved and then dictating the situation. Just such a different dynamic! This is what I love about our big family - all these interpersonal relationships. 

Because I have no other way of working this into the blog, here is a picture of Ben crashed so hard. I think it would probably be really easy to recreate this picture when he is a teenager/college kid:

Easter came and went. It's funny how my heart agrees and ponders and celebrates Easter so much - but I want almost no external show of this. Like, I refuse to cook some crazy meal or make a big todo over it. I have only done a basket once for baby Zoe and I probably will never do that again. I am grateful we get invited to an egg hunt because then I don't even have to plan that. Lazy! mom! I really don't know what it is about it - because I'm not opposed to the bigger things on any sort of crazy religious scale - I guess at this stage in my life I just don't want - one more thing. 

The girls did a great job egg hunting with friends. Watching little girls hunt for eggs is great. There is SO much "here you can have this one" and "look at this one! do you want it?" Really. Sometimes girls really are made of sugar and spice and everything nice. 

Ben did a great job of picking up the blue eggs. He didn't seem to really understand there were things inside the eggs so much as it seemed he was thinking, "boy you guys sure made a mess of these blue eggs and want a lot of my help cleaning them up!"

a little something for everyone at the egg hunt

Group pic! I love that froggy made it into this picture!

Also in April we started back with swim! lessons! Hurray! Zoe is almost there. She needs to gain a little more confidence but she -can- swim by herself. She is great at putting her face in and kicking and floating. She even gets to advance to the next "level" in May. She is super pumped about that. Right now the girls are in the same lessons and that is a pretty sweet deal so I don't know what is going to happen when they spilt. We may just be spending a long evening at the YMCA! Ben LOVES going to swim lessons. "Splash! Pool!" Matt gets in with him in the big pool and he has an excellent time. 

Annnnnnnd 37 weeks. Technically this baby could come any time! Ben came at 38.2 so I have really high hopes. Or maybe I just have high desperation. Either way - PLEASE COME! I was reading something I wrote in the past about the VBAC and how I was a little nervous and I referenced how at the end I'm just so desperate I won't care anymore. I. am. there. People keep asking me how I feel about having four but my only answer is that surely four on the outside has GOT to be easier than 3 and being THIS PREGNANT. Poor Ana jammed her finger in our sliding door the other day (it was stuck in there) and I was sitting on the couch and I couldn't even get to her at any sort of fast rate. I was so sunk into the couch and all giant and off balance. Disaster. I've barely been taking my kids places for fear of having to chase Ben somewhere. I just don't think I could do it! Part of me is trying to treasure these "sweet moments of pregnancy" - because I am REALLY having a hard time ever wanting to do this again - but usually I just feel tired or achy or huge. But thankfully - only huge in the belly! Clothes are fitting me now that have never before fit me so late in the game. Thank you Gestational Diabetes!!!

Epically sad to find out I failed my GD test but on the up side - I totally stopped gaining weight when I found out I had it and had to change my diet into the strictest thing ever. I'm still going to have a giant baby -- I always do -- but at least I have been doing my part. I ended up on oral medication bc the fasting number would never behave - which my midwife said is probably the most telling of GD because I can control all my others with my new, improved, boring, diet. Matt has totally embraced my low-carb train - except for desserts. He still eats them (I am allowed absolutely no sweets) but I would like to say at a much slower rate. The meds make me feel awful - really weak/light headed some days- at least we think it is the meds- but other than that, and a random muscle strain that makes it almost impossible for me to carry/walk with Ben - I've been feeling really great!

I caught a glimpse of myself on my walk the other night and literally laughed out loud.

Overall, we are just feeling -ready- I am ready to tackle these challenges again. I am ready to be better prepared to take care of my son with a cleft. Matt has always said, from the beginning of stresses with Ben, that I am a -visual- learner and so all the unknown made it hard with Ben. Well this time, there is pretty much no unknown about caring for a cleft baby and I feel much more excited and less anxious this time around. Matt and I joke about how easy it would be to have a newborn. Like, "can you imagine -just- newborn? Nursing, portable, no NAM, no tape, no surgery newbown!?" But I am grateful for Jack's story and ready for it to get started!