Our sweet baby BOY

That's right folks, it's boy city over here. No, it's still girl city - but now we have a boy resident.

Benjamin Matthew.

That's what we've got for now. Baby Ben. There he is.

Today has been the most emotionally exhausting day of maybe my life. Because after we knew it was a boy the already not so friendly sonogram tech said, "so, just to warn you. there are some findings on the sonogram. I'll show them to the Dr and she will come talk with you."

uh, okay? Crazy emotional joy to crazy emotional... numbness? I don't think I felt fear. I mostly felt numb. Because, you can't change what you see. No matter what. And I was just trying to get through the next 10 minutes without going crazy. I was trying to imagine the worse thing that could have been said. I was trying to read the sonogram machine for clues since it still had certain values left up - I have NO idea what any of that means. Not a good idea.

Wait. Wait. Wait. Move to another room. Wait. It really wasn't that long. Maybe 10 minutes. And around 7 minutes the tech had enough courtesy to come tell us she hadn't even talked to the dr yet because she was with a patient. That was encouraging - it wasn't like the dr saw it and then was avoiding us.

So in the room, I'm trying to imagine the absolute worst news I could possibly hear. I'm not sure what that would be - I'm still not. But then, the door was cracked and we heard the dr ask, "so there wasn't a left kidney?" and I blurted out to Matt, almost frantically, "You can live with one kidney!" Because lets cut to the chase people - I wanted to hear this baby was going to LIVE.

Dr comes in. I comment on how cute her pink sweater is, and she tells us a short story about a delivery... whimiscal. So she sits down, put her hand on my knee and the first thing she says is, "it's okay." Not, "its okay to cry" or something - but defintely, like "what is happening, is going to be okay." It was a good way to start. Next she said, "so we found that your baby has a bilateral cleft lip (maybe palate?)."
I thought, wait - I thought it was the kidney. Maybe I asked. And she said, "also the tech couldn't locate one of the kidneys. The renal artereies/veins branch and there is blood flow on both sides, but the actual kidney couldn't be found." Still, I think - you can live with one kidney. She tells us the other looks fine and many people live succesful lives without two kidneys. "So the kid won't play football" she says. Fine by me!

"so thats it?" I ask. "the brain/heart/other organs look fine?" Answer in the affirmative.

I asked that since cleft palate can be a symptom of something greater, a "syndrome" if you will, if there was anything else in the sonogram that pointed to that. But his brain/heart/other stuff looks fine - totally fine. So there is relief in that. She also said that she could think of no syndrome in particular in which these two are linked. She wasn't telling us with utmost certainty and I told her that I wasn't asking her too - just if maybe there was more that she -thought- but wasn't telling us. It didn't seem like there was.

I now feel - relief? I mean. I could serioulsy care less about the cleft lip at this point. My one thought is PROTECT THE OTHER KIDNEY. Like, my new life goal that I can do nothing about it to protect this child's other kidney - especially in the womb. There is almost non logical and non sensical. I don't care. This is what I thought.

Later in conversation Matt said his main concern was the cleft lip. Because it affects eating so much.

Baby Ben will need to stay in the NICU when he is born. I'm imagining he will have a feeding tube? And then eventually, depending on the severity, we'll work on nursing or bottle. I'm going to be pumping a lot. My old friend the pump. Me and the pump. We're best buddies.

There will probably also be lots of surgeries. Especially in the first year.

Here we go kids.

My emotions have ranged so widely throughout this day - I have a migraine and really want to throw up. But even then, when we were getting this news, I felt hope. She asked me how I was doing - I didn't cry there - and I said, "I feel a range of emotions - but none of them is despair."

And that is still true. I'm not naive. I am fully aware that our life is going to explode when this baby is born. NICU, nursing, endless appointments probably to monitor the kidney and with cleft stuff. But every single thing I have read on the internet -
(NOTE: I am NOT googling anything except mom community forums/blogs. I could care less what you have to say me to Dr. Internet about some "syndrome" that you are going to try to convince me that my son has even though he exhibits like, none of the symptoms.)
- has only pointed to hope.

Go ahead, google "baby with one kidney" - I dare you. Everyone is like, "oh yeah - that happened and its totally fine!" or "yeah my husband doesn't have a kidney and he didn't find out until he was 10!"

And cleft palate resounds with "the first year is hard - but now it doesn't even affect our day to day life." Granted some of the stories continue with surgeries throughout early childhood - but everyone starts with "its just a scar!"

And so I settle into this. We see a specialist on Thursday who will do a more detailed sonogram and give us more information I'm sure. At first, I thought, "why!? why do we even find these things out!?" - but really I am grateful. I can't imagine the stress of finding this out at birth, on top of newborn cries, you just gave BIRTH, exhaustion, etc. Plus - now we have ALL this time to ask God to grow a kidney and heal a lip. And if that doesn't happen by the time he's born - then at least I wasn't totally surprised. In fact, I'm thankful for a lot of things. At the end of today - my overwhelming feeling (besides feeling pretty physically sick) is one of gratitude. Here's my list of things I'm thankful for:

- I am thankful I know God and Jesus Christ- I have hope - and despite anything that happens - my hope and peace is not found in man, medicine, or perfectly healthy babies.
- I am thankful for Matt, our marriage, his friendship, and standing together with him as a team as we face uncharted territory.
- I am thankful the Dr. told us what she did - and not any other thing as the list of things she could have said seems ridiculous.
- I am thankful this is our 3rd baby and not our first. I have had a newborn before. I know what to expect on that end, at least.
- I am thankful I live in America, with so many resources and skilled physicians.
- I am thankful for a community that supports us and doesn't care what my baby looks like - but values LIFE.
- I am thankful for other moms who have blogged or forumed online about their experiences. Partly why I am documenting today so vividly.
- I am thankful this baby is a BOY - even though I'm really nervous about that and have no idea how to parent a boy. Matt is pretty excited though.
- I am oh so thankful you can take tylenol when you are pregnant because my head is pounding.

Really, I feel like this list could go on endlessly. But those are all true things.

We love you Baby Ben!

p.s. crazy prophetic Z was right again! From the beginning!