Baby Ben

Meet Benjamin

aka - the little dude who calls all the shots. 

Just like with Ana, I woke up around 5:00a on Feb 25 with strong, irregular contractions. They were enough to wake me up, but far enough apart to make me wonder if they were really coming. I never fell back asleep so instead I got up and paced around the house. I ate cereal, I washed the carseat cover and folded some laundry, and around 6:30a I started timing them. They were about 12-15 minutes apart at this point, but coming regularly. I took a shower and tried to distract myself. I laid down in our spare bedroom and tried to rest - they were getting closer, about every 10 minutes. Eventually Matt and the girls woke up. I think Matt had a hard time finding me so when he finally did find me I had to explain what was happening. I was crampy and started to have a bunch of back pressure - making me think that maybe this was actual labor but so confused because it was 11 days early! Z came in and watched a show next to me - but at some point I was inspired to get up and either try to make them go away or contribute by walking. I did laps in our house.

Matt stayed home longer than he normally would on a Monday but had some meetings in the middle of the day. He offered to cancel them but they started to spread out again - they were now every 20 minutes and this is about how they would remain for the rest of the day. I told him to go ahead and go but leave his phone on. Besides, this HAD to be false labor, right?

So the girls and I stayed home and read books and did nothing until at 11 I all of a sudden was crazy hungry. Tired, crampy and contracting randomly I didn't want to cook anything but wanted something hot - so just like with Ana, I drove to CFA while in labor. When we got back the girls spilled one of the lemonades onto the floor and so, unlike with Ana, I also literally mopped the floor while in labor. The contractions were easy to work through but the back pressure was really something else! During nap I turned on the heating pad and took a giant nap but Z was laying down with me and she was touching me and moving around the whole time, so my sleep was less than deep - but it still felt good to lay down. The contractions also were keeping me awake about every 20 minutes. I got up and made a grocery list and sent it to Matt just in case we were in labor.

When Matt got home we decided to go for a walk to try to help things along. So we bundled up our children and strolled around the block. Unfortunately it was like, the windyest day in the history of the planet, so Z and A were basically just screaming the whole time we were walking - and just like with Ana, I'm not sure if that semi-stressful walk helped.

I made some sort of frozen stir fry for dinner and did the dishes and we got the girls down for bed. By this time I was so, so tired because of the back pressure and during the dish doing my contractions picked up with their force. I put on my Fox! Pajamas! because I felt sick and tired and cold and crawled into bed. We watched some home videos that my sister had sent us and during the videos I realized I was contracting a ton. We called Eric/Heather and asked them to leave their phones on. By 9p they were every 10 min and I couldn't talk through them. By 9:45p they were every 5 min and I figured I should call my Ob. She told me to try to take a bath and get rest. Then, maybe she didn't realize it was number 3, she called back and said "orrr we could meet at the hospital. Don't linger too long."

BUT I was SO CONVINCED I was -not- in labor! It was so early!! We were going to have Eric/Heather come stay the night if they told me to stay at the hospital but I just couldn't bring myself to ask them to drive all the way to our house late at night if we were going to be told to just go home. So instead, Meegie Lee came and around 11p we headed out to the hospital.

On the way there, contracting/back pressure/exhaustion I said to Matt, "IF I am in labor, I think I'm going to get an epidural. I'm just so tired and I really, really need to sleep." One main goal of being induced was to start out ahead of the sleep deprevation game due to the pumping/extra time I knew feeding Ben would take. So needless to say, waking up at 5am and being sick all day was less than ideal.

So we get there and Leann the midwife is waiting for us. She asked, "do you feel like this is it? should we skip triage and just go to a room?" But I just felt so conflicted and in denial that I couldn't justify going to a room. We met up in triage where she asked if he was still head down or transverse. I said for the past 2 weeks he had been head down and so she checked me and said she'd try to "engage with the head." ... ok? Well, apparently she couldn't do that. So they hooked me up to a monitor and she went to get a sonogram machine. My nurse taking my info mentioned how I was "contracting up a storm." And then Leann came back. And then, my last fateful sonogram of this pregnancy was taken. And Ben was breech.

THIS was why my labor was not progressing and had been sporadic and silly all day. His head wasn't pushing on my cervix the way it should, neither was his bottom really - his feet were first. So my body was a bit confused I guess. Either way, he was breech now. I looked at Matt who looked so sleepy and so sad- he later told me he was really, really sad for me when he heard them tell me I was breech.

The next part is sort of a blur of people. Leann leaving to call the Ob to get a plan of action, nurses coming in to start an IV line, me -trying- to figure out if I was staying or leaving or getting a C section or a version or what. I remember laying there thinking, "now. NOW would be a good time for some drugs." I was so tired! Matt and I really needed to call Eric but random people kept coming in and it took awhile for a plan to be made. But eventually, Leann came in and sort of explained that since my body had been laboring for so long and my fluid was still really high they were afraid of my water breaking and the cord prolapsing, blah blah and finally she relunctly said, "so I think.. I think we need to go with a csection." At which point I started crying. -not- out of dissapointment or sadness, only out of being so, so, so grateful that this pregnancy was over. And also that I would have drugs soon. I even told her not to be confused by my crying, I just wanted it to be over.

At least one of us left the hospital well rested

So! They were basically like "so in 15 minutes you're going to have a baby!" and then I was sort of shocked. I started shaking uncontrollably, you know - like I do and the nurses were starting IVs and hanging bags and changing me into a gown. The anesthiologist came in and started talking to me about how i could be put under but most women elect to have the spinal which allows them to stay awake. Nurses are having me sign papers saying that I could die - you know, worst case scenario. There was a tiny, maybe 30 second lull in the tons of people coming in and I told Matt I was feeling a little overwhlemed because I was just. SO TIRED. And then I cried again and asked Matt to call Christine. I don't know what the reason was - it was just like, "just tell her!" They told me I would go to the OR first, by myself and then Matt could come after. Oh! But Matt was in the bathroom when they got me and he thought he had missed the train because he didn't hear them explain that I was going first. That was comical. So, they have me walk to the OR. Which is really silly.. like, there is the pregnant lady walking INTO the OR room. But somehow I made it.

bah! mid sneeze! 

The second I walked into the OR, -then- I got scared. Like, really scared. There. were. so. many. pairs. of. scissors. They had me sit on the table while the peeps got ready and I just closed my eyes. I really couldn't stand to see all the stuff that was in there and I started praying, asking God to give me peace and help me feel calmer but I sort of felt like I was on the verge of totally freaking out. And then right at the moment Leann the midwife appeared and held my hands. I didn't know she was allowed in - but she was! And she stayed with me the whole time Matt wasn't there - talking me through what was going to happen, holding my hands, helping me lean for the spinal and helping me lay down after they were done. She explained, without too much detail, what was happening and patted my head and just kept holding my hand. I really don't think I would have made it without her. Once the drugs took effect I was so. so. out of it. "Stay awake" my foot - I felt like my eyes were rolling into the back of my head and everything was tingly. I felt like my chest was caving in and I couldn't breathe and then I felt like I was dying. I was drifting in and out of sleep and one of those times I felt like in my "sleep" I just saw a bunch of really bright lights (the OR lights, no doubt) but inside my head I was like, "DONT GO TOWARDS THE LIGHT!" and then I jolted awake but no part of my body moved bc of the drugs and my chest was so tight - I really did sort of start to think I was going to die. The anethesialogist that whole time was really sweet, she kept saying "i know, I know it is so weird - but I'm watching your breathing and you are going to be okay - really..." Around this time I also thought, "yeah.. I think I'd rather be put out -all- the way for this!"

Victorious!

So at some point they started, before Matt was even in the room. It takes awhile to cut through all your layers of muscle/fat/uterus I guess. When Matt finally did come in I felt so relieved and thankful and all I wanted to do was look at him and try not to think about what was happening. At one point Matt was like, "omg! i see his feet!" (which, ps, I can't believe matt had the courage to look. around. the curtain. eww. ew.) The only part I felt at all was when they took him out of me - a relief of pressure really. And then they were like, "okay! he's here!" and I thought, "dang, that was one easy way to have a baby." but I felt absolutely nothing. And it took like, literally less than 10 minutes.

Fresh! Baby!

Matt left to go see Ben (just a few steps away) although he was conflicted. I told him to go and Leann stepped right back in. At some point they brought him to me and I was so out of it! I was like "yeah - there is a smooshy baby. looks about right." His cleft was hard to evaluate at that point because like I said, he was a smooshed up little baby. And because I was wicked out of it. I had almost been awake for 24 hours at this point (he was born at 1:34a) and I could barely stand the feeling within my own
body.

Crazy things are happening in this picture behind that curtain.

Waving to Dad!

Then they headed to the nursery, Matt with them, while I finished up being put back together. This is the only baby that Matt has followed to the nursery - he usually opts to stay with me, but I think this time he had to leave the OR.  Then I was taken to the babyland PACU and started shaking outrageously again. I was also so itchy (a side effect of the spinal) that I was going insane. I started feeling my legs again and slowly my hands/arms felt normal and then there I was. In the PACU without a baby. Leann took leave and it was just me and my nurse hanging out, no one else was there! Eventually I think Matt came back? I dont know what happened. From here on out it is fuzzy except at some point I asked about seeing Ben and they brought him in.

We had to give him a bottle, and they wanted me to chose between formulas and I had no idea what to choose. Everything was so confusing. I had planned on bringing some milk from my nursing friend to the hospital to use for those first bottles, but I wasn't prepared to go into labor so early. At first the nurses wanted me to "put him to my breast" which I tried but duh, he has a cleft. They kept trying to convince me it was possible and I'm not so sure that I kindly told them that it -isn't- possible and to stop asking me. They probably don't know as much about cleft babies as I do. Then we tried the special bottle, but the nipple sucked so we had to get another one and the whole ordeal was sort of frustrating. And finally they sort of left it alone and let me just be with him. This was my favorite part about the whole thing. FINALLY being able to just hold. Ben. He was here and he was real and it was over. I could hold him and I basically never wanted to stop.

my Ben

Then they took him to go so do something while I went to our room. At this point it is like 4:30am, I basically have been awake for 24 hours and they bring me to my room and the pump gets wheeled in there and I'm just so totally overwhelmed. I really don't remember what happened after that. Except at some point it turned into daytime and my day nurse (she was my day nurse 3/4 days - and the other day I had a nurse I had previously had with Ana!), Judy came. I'll make my hospital stay another post. Mostly because I think I need to think about it more before I can remember what happened. The short version: Judy was amazing - I wanted to take her home with me, and Mary the cleft nurse came to visit and I decided that I'm in love with her. The end.

My BFF Judy

Overall, I don't regret the way it happened. It was fun to still have the experience of going into labor on my own - but defintely starting this journey with absolutely no sleep and major abdominal surgery put us a few steps behind. But just today I was holding Ben and praying for him and thinking about Psalm 145 - God IS good and kind. And he does have compassion on us. Without a doubt. Why else would he have ended my pregnancy 10 days early!?

Trying to catch up!

But, isn't it funny that the last thing I said about Ben is that I wasn't counting on anything seeing as this boy is so full of surprises!?