We go to bed too late

Matt and I usually go to bed between 12 and 1am every night. And by "go to bed" I mean we lay down and rest our eyes for about 20ish minutes before one, or both, of the babies wake up. Why do we do this to ourselves? We ask ourselves this question every night. We are awful at going to bed. We deserve a stern talking to by someone who is in authority over us. They should slap our hand, tell us no more trips to the potty, that we aren't reading any books and if we don't get in bed right now they aren't going to sing to us either.

Lately, I have been obsessed with researching. I feel like over the past couple years, literally, years - God has been working in my mind and soul and spirit about caring for those in need. This was happening before I found Heather Hendrick. She caused it to explode and come to the forefront basically every day of my life. And much of the time thinking about these things has caused me to feel suffocated by need. Anxiety attacks, frustration, questioning things... all late into the night. I've started asking God to help me feel empowered to do something. Not to feel the weight of the world, but simply what I should do in response to this. First, I read the book Radical. It's intense, but for the most part I agree with a lot of what he said. One thing he said has, I'm pretty sure, changed my life forever. He talks about God's plan for changing the world. How do we fight injustice? We do we end wars? Nutshell: Make. Disciples. Make Jesus known.

So I started praying about that and over time God weaved together a girl's group. We read Radical together. Now we are reading John. Every time we get together and have focused time - it is life-giving. I feel like God meets us there. It's exciting. It's more exciting to think about how these girls are a direct answer to prayers I have been praying for many, many months.

Another aspect that kept coming up was how we spend money. What we spend it on and if it really matters. I felt like I could agree in my heart with Solomon more than perhaps anyone else in the Bible, "it's all meaningless... everything under the sun... meaningless." So, I started to question how it could be made - not meaningless. And now I'm obsessed with researching companies and how they spend their money and what they do to help others in need. I want to know what I'm sending my money towards - is it helping a CEO get richer or a farmer feed his family? And if it is the former, is this CEO someone I would even like to support if I knew them face to face? I felt super convicted that I don't want my culture to make my decisions for me, such as: I need this or should shop here because everyone else is doing it. Maybe it's because Ana is 6 months now, but I feel like I have energy to research purchases. And I told Matt that even if something costs more than something else, I want to pay the higher price if it means someone is going to benefit rather than someone else being hurt. Otherwise, it's like - what is a person's freedom, quality of life, safety, family, etc worth to me?

This is actually very exhausting, and complicated. I am no where close to where I hope to be at some point. There is actually a lot going on and most of it is under developed and hard to explain. Here are some of the major points:

- I want to eat real food, not crap. This stems from a strong desire to not trust other people to make my decisions for me. This stems from finding out that arsenic is added to chicken, and the govt doesn't really do much about that. Arsenic!? Really!? Is that -necessary?-
- I want to give power to people who are at work in the world loving people and draw power away from people who are at work in the world suppressing people. Money = power (in the world).
- I feel strongly that materialism is a real issue at work in my life drawing worship away from God.
- I also feel like gluttony is at work there too. Consumption, really. It's a powerful force to fight back against.
- I feel frustrated that I have attended church for a very, very long time and I feel like I have not been confronted about either of these things before.
- I do not think that materials are bad. Or money. Or food that tastes good. I just think I have had an improper view of them in relation to eternity and other people and the effects my choices have on other people whom I don't see. These people fuel both my materialism and gluttony.
- Jesus says scary, intense, and beautiful things in the Bible. "Eat my flesh." "Give to everyone who asks of you." "You are the light of the world." "Love mercy and justice." "I have come to give you life abundant."  - I claim to follow this man.

So, this is why we go to bed late. Because lately I have had SO MUCH on my mind and poor Matt has to listen to it all. He literally lays in bed with the sheets pulled up OVER his head while I talk about how I feel like "things are going to change around here!"

The light of the world one really gets to me. I have the privelage of being a LIGHT in a world full of war and greed and corruption. Why would I chose to support the latter if I am given the responsibilty of living out the former? Seems simple. Although it isn't - and really it has taken me years to come even to this point. I don't even know what it looks like yet and I know I'm probably -not- going to be able to change the world - but, at the very least, I can try to put my money where my mouth is.