True Story

The other night I wanted to stop by one of my favorite craft stores after MJs to pick up some wooden letters for a wall project I'm working on. On the way there I had this thought about how like, 99% (or something) of violence, especially mass shootings, bombings, etc are perpetrated by men. And then I figured that shopping at this craft store was therefore probably the safest thing in the world I could be doing, because no men ever frequent there. 

While I was checking out I had a strange interaction with the cashier. She was excited to look into the babyseat to look at Ben. She commented on his size and asked if he was a boy or girl...and then I could feel it. The giant elephant taking up so much space between us, "What is all that on his face?" I could feel her wondering. And I dont mind. I often wonder about other people when something seems out of the ordinary. And so I address said elephant. "He was born with a cleft lip and palate," I say.  "Ohhh..." she says. "So he wears those things to help get him ready for surgery." I say. 

"Oh, so they will fix it with surgery? Well, thats no problem. No problem at all. He is going to be a gorgeous little boy." 

And then, for the next minute and half while I finish checking out in silence I think about all these things: 

1. why do strangers always insist that Ben's cleft is "no problem?" They always know someone who knows someone who knows someone who was born with a cleft and they are doing "fine! its like it never happened." And I always imagine that somewhere, that baby' s mother, who they may or may not know through their chain of knowing someones, probably never thought her baby's cleft was, "nothing." She probably thought it was both frustrating bottle feedings, and extra time to cuddle because you can't nurse them to sleep on the bed and then slip away. Or pumping days mixed with speech therapists and meeting awesome people who work for your son who you wouldn't have met otherwise. Or 3 hour long appointments that simultaneously give you a nice break from having all the kids at once. Or handing your baby over to surgery though also getting to trust God with something so precious. And some days its just an anxious pregnancy, or imagining him getting questions in grade school, or cleaning the NAM, or holding a paci in the mouth, or pumping, or tape giving him sores on his face, and oh, pumping.  If anything it is complicated, but certainly it is far from "nothing." Granted, I do -know- what they are saying. They are saying, "well thank goodness its fixable! it isn't like Downs or missing limbs." (I dont usually offer the missing kidney information. 2 birth defects tend to make people get -nervous-) which leads me to point number 2...

2. Why in this culture do I need to hear that my child will, nevertheless, be "gorgeous?" As if that is my primary concern in life. Recently I overhead a question posed to make parents think. It was, "If you had to chose one thing that you wanted your child to grow up to be, what would it be?" And I didn't answer "gorgeous." Or pretty. Or anything along those lines. Without thinking, the first thing that came into my mind was "kind." And I think Ben can be kind with or without a cleft. And also, even if it weren't fixable, I think it would still be "okay." Harder? Absolutely. But I still maintain that my peace doesn't rest in perfectly heatlthy babies. 

3. I know that it could be worse. I know that I'm grateful to God for Ben being spared something harder to work through in this life. But, I still - feel - these things sometimes. Especially when people say the "its not problem" one. There are times I mourn not being able to nurse Ben. Really. Not to mention, the team of freakin expensive specalists he will see throughout his life. His -life-. At least through teenage years. And so, there you go. 

On the flip side, Ben IS gorgeous. (Beautiful, if you ask Zoe). Even the cashier, possibly conscious of the awkard, by the time she was handing me my receipt and I was walking off. Offered, "well, he already is. Gorgeous. I mean." Which was possibly just more awkward? Man. People and their baby comments! Maybe there should be a general - dont comment on babies or mothers-to-be rule. Because I have defintely had awkward comments for each one. Oh! And at Target someone *actually* told me to ENJOY EVERY MOMENT !  I almost jumped for joy I was so excited.