Surgery

This is our son.

 This is Benjamin -  who I couldn't believe existed. The boy I wept over at 20 weeks. The cute little stinker that brought about one of the hardest nights in my life. He was born with a cleft. Although, even now, you can hardly even tell it. 

His cleft is part of his story - it isn't over yet, because hidden now, inside, is the cleft of his palate and his gumline which doesn't connect and won't until he is about 9 years old and has a skin graft (another. surgery.). But now, because of the miracle of plastic reconstructive surgery, his cleft is his secret. Instead of tape and NAM and open space broadcasting it to the world, Ben doesn't need to tell anyone he doesn't want to about his cleft. 

But in a way, later in life, I hope he is proud of it. 

I hope he can confidently say that this obstacle, this hardest-thing, taught him a lot about the goodness of God. That it taught him about the love of his parents. About sacrifice and hard work and never-giving-up. And hope. 

And, more than any of that, I hope Ben knows that had he lived his entire life with that cleft, I would have loved him still. The same, fierce, all encompassing love I have for him didn't change when they handed him back to us post surgery. It was there at 20 weeks and it was there during every minute of NAM holding and it was there when we woke up the morning before surgery.

I struggle with the idea that so much of his lip correction -seems- simply cosmetic. That now he "fits in." That now he "looks just like anyone else." As if this were the end and only goal. But that cleft would have stolen some of his speech. It likely would have stolen some of his nutrition. And that cleft stole nursing - from both of us. And for these things, although he still can't nurse and his speech may still be affected, we handed him off for the better. 

But I am confident of this - cleft or not, God has giant plans for Ben's life. He holds this life in His hand. And He is speaking His mercy over His creation. God chooses the foolish things of the world to shame the wise. The meek and poor inherit the Earth. God loves those who are humble and dwell in humility. The Lord is not with Ben -more- now that his cleft is gone, He has always been. He is the great I am. And if there were some way to convey that in a way that would make sense to a 4 month old, I would rehearse it and share it with Ben every day. The closest I get is to read Psalm 145 and treasure it up and speak it over Ben over and over again. I feel like -this- is Ben's real story: 

I will exalt you, my God the King;

    I will praise your name for ever and ever.

Every day I will praise you

    and extol your name for ever and ever. 

Great is the Lord and most worthy of praise;

    his greatness no one can fathom. 

One generation commends your works to another;

    they tell of your mighty acts.

They speak of the glorious splendor of your majesty—

    and I will meditate on your wonderful works.

They tell of the power of your awesome works—

    and I will proclaim your great deeds. 

They celebrate your abundant goodness

    and joyfully sing of your righteousness. 

The Lord is gracious and compassionate,

    slow to anger and rich in love.

The Lord is good to all;

    he has compassion on all he has made.

All your works praise you, Lord;

    your faithful people extol you.

They tell of the glory of your kingdom

    and speak of your might,

so that all people may know of your mighty acts

    and the glorious splendor of your kingdom.

Your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom,

    and your dominion endures through all generations.

The Lord is trustworthy in all he promises

    and faithful in all he does. 

The Lord upholds all who fall

    and lifts up all who are bowed down.

The eyes of all look to you,

    and you give them their food at the proper time.

You open your hand

    and satisfy the desires of every living thing.

The Lord is righteous in all his ways

    and faithful in all he does.

The Lord is near to all who call on him,

    to all who call on him in truth.

He fulfills the desires of those who fear him;

    he hears their cry and saves them.

The Lord watches over all who love him,

    but all the wicked he will destroy.

My mouth will speak in praise of the Lord.

    Let every creature praise his holy name for ever and ever.

Arrived for surgery by 930a!

"Dad, please! No more pictures!"

Getting some lunch after dropping the boy off. Tia had sent us a picture of the girls picnicing, so we answered back. I had no appetite but made myself eat because I didn't know what life would be like post surgery.

I practically ran to his bed in the PACU. He was fussing from the "wake up after anesthesia" business and I was so anxious to see him! 

Ben's new look! Immediately post op.

Ben spent 2 days/nights in the hospital, since he didn't feel like eating much, basically doing this.

We barely ever saw his eyes at the hospital. He just slept and fussed and then was drugged. No smiles yet. 

"What the -heck- just happened?"

Life in the hospital. I prayed for good nurses and the Lord delivered. I fell asleep multiple times on the bed with Ben and while holding him, and they never woke me up or made me move - even though I know that wasn't "allowed."

Sweet man, resting at home finally.

Did you know that no-nos are all the rage in the fashion world!?

Good-bye everything tape and NAM. I ceremoniously threw all this in the TRASH shortly after we came home!

Ben receiving congrats on having graduated from all that stuff!

Tia was on "stay at home Tia" duty while we were away. Here they are minutes before we left for the hospital. Those girls look excited to be rid of us. 

He also had some cysts on his head removed- poor guy!

Once we left the PACU and got to our room Ben had a little "bleeding episode" as I like to call it. In which, a clot dislodged and blood practically poured out of his mouth all over him and me. Man, everyone was getting paged! The PAs and the nurses and the CAs - we were all crowding in that room trying to get the blood to stop and figure out what happened. I would say this was my least favorite part. He was also still so pale from surgery and breathing all shallow - blah. Horrible.

Happy before.

Happy ever after.

This completley speaks for itself. parf!